My focus since the beginning of the year has been on intimacy with my God. I thought I knew what this meant. I thought I understood how I would go about becoming intimate with God. I would just pray a lot and read my bible. I would fast every now and then and spend time with other people who were doing the same things. Now, don’t take this the wrong way and think that I do not have a relationship with God. I have a very real and personal relationship with God. However, I wanted and still do want a deeper more intimate relationship with Him. I want to know Him and live completely for Him. There is still a very big part of me that is living for myself and I don’t want that. I was listening to a Bill Johnson message earlier today and one of the profound things he said, among many, was that brokenness needs to be consistent and regular.
For some reason I have it in my head that I need to be all together. I need to be strong and know exactly what to say and when to say it. I need to be a great daughter and a great sister and a great friend and be there for everyone who needs me. I need to have myself at a place where I never struggle with being single and I’m completely content with not being a mother. These are all good things. I want to be there for people that need me. I want to be content in whatever my circumstances are. These are Godly things. However, when the motives are focused around me and what I want they become selfish desires.
Brokenness is not easy. I remember being broken. I remember crying out to God in desperation because no one else around could hear me. I remember feeling like my whole world was caving in. I remember the shame I felt because people knew my sin, because God knew my sin. But I also remember when God met me there. I remember God speaking to me and telling me that everything was going to be ok. I remember Him holding me and loving me like no person on this earth could ever love me. I remember how He promised that I would be redeemed and I remember the moment when I knew He had kept that promise.
That time of brokenness was one of the hardest times of my life but also one of the best times of my life. God had never been so real to me. I don’t think God is asking of me or anyone else to put ourselves in the pit of despair so that he can meet us there. I don’t think he wants us to suffer. But I do think that he wants us to lay down our lives for Him. He wants us to be aware of the fact that we are not complete. We are not perfect. I will never be strong enough to handle everything the world can throw at me. I cannot be the perfect friend all the time. I will say stupid things and probable hurt people’s feelings when I really didn’t want to. I will probably tear someone down when I really wanted to build them up. I will be sad sometimes when I’m around married people because I want to be married. And I will be jealous sometimes when I’m around mothers because I want to be a mother. God didn’t ask me to deal with these things. He asked me to lay them before Him, to allow myself to be real with Him and to be honest about my struggles. He asked me to be genuine and laid bare before Him in brokenness so that He can be given the glory. So that when I am strong, it will be clear that it is not me but the One who loves me that makes me strong. So that when I have the opportunity to build someone up and speak life over them it is clear that those words are not out of my mouth but out of the mouth of a God who created them. So that when I am given the desires of my heart it will be clear that I am given those things because He loves me and has promised me those things not because of anything I could ever to do to deserve them. So God I pray that you will break me. Break me in a million pieces if you have to. I want to live my life for you.
